by Jaime Grijalba.
I said in an earlier post last year that I didn’t actually like to do reviews on bad movies, mainly because it was so easy to go all funny and mocking towards it, and that’s not a positive attitude, but sometimes we feel in the mood to just condemn and find a way to just vent out our views on the negative side of life, and as always, the movies aren’t always the holy place where all’s good and nice. So, I decided to do this brief list for you to comment on and list your own choices for the worst movies of what you saw in 2012, and don’t worry, no matter what you think, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ is not even near this list. I shall list 5 movies, because that’s all the respect that I can have for these movies and all the space I want to give them. I’d like to thank Bob Clark once again for the great header image, as always welcome for this top 10’s-20’s-5’s. Oh, and before you go into my list to find the greatest sins to the cinematic form of this year, I’d like to ask you for suggestions on what to write next in these weekly columns, I’ve been finding myself struggling a bit to find something to write about, a short series of essays, reviews, views, recollections, writings, fictions, whatever you’d want me to tackle, whatever the subject, I’m open for it, and I’ll do it, I promise. Anyway, onto the badness.
5. The Lucky One (Scott Hicks)
Movies based on Nicholas Sparks novels are now a genre and we all know it, and of those that he has made possible through his inventive writing are ‘Dear John’ (2010) and this one from 2012. The 2010 film was about an Iraq veteran that came back after many battles and tried to find the woman whom he loved before he went away and thinks that he can rekindle that love, it was also one of the worst movies I saw in 2010. This one is about an Iraq veteran (no, no, it’s not lazyness, it’s called autorship) who finds a picture in the middle of the war and has to go back to USA to find the woman who was in the picture, because he thinks it was the reason he made it alive. Then comes the most boring and obvious romance film in ages, with the classic golden chest shot of the Sparks movies, or the other classic ‘kiss under running water’ theme, and the weird thing is that all these Sparks films are directed by different and sometimes experienced directors… what happens when they come up with material like this? I’m guessing they just want to play safe, and that’s an offense and the worst thing that you could do to your career and your filmography (let’s thank Tarantino that he has the mentality to think of his movies as his filmography, and he respects that).
4. Sadako 3D (Tsumotu Hanabusa)
Up there you can read what I thought of this reboot-remake of the famous Ringu japanese franchise, and also read my perceptions regarding reviewing bad movies, something I mentioned at the start of this post. To put it simple: I loathed this movie because it took everything that made the Ringu films interesting and decided that it wasn’t interesting anymore, for turning Sadako in some sort of Pokémon monster with attacks and jaws to eat people up, as if it were any other kind of swarming plague, while in the earlier films it was a complex character with a deep personality and reason of being, and Sadako was what made the films appealing in the beginning, its tortured soul status… why in the name of fuck change that? Money? No, they wanted to ridicule it and make people forget that Sadako ever existed, and that is a shame, with so many things that could be interesting to do with her. Ah, forget it.
3. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Pârt 2 (Bill Condon)
It’s finally over! And what a way to go, oh boy. It’s one of the most ridiculous films I’ve ever seen and I’m sorry, but I don’t think you really care but, anyway, spoiler alert. The movie is a mess in the most fun and boring way possible at the same time, first because it’s a long movie and it lags a lot in the middle, and in the start, but then it pays up with the most ridiculous ending in the whole series. It’s about how the newborn vampire Bella (Lugosi shall not be named… DAMMIT) has to protect her newborn daughter (who grows at such a speed that they needed to CGI the face of the baby… and her whole body as well!) from the evil vampires (the Vulturi or something like that) because they think that the mixture of vampire and human can destroy the world entirely. So, here comes the final battle that we all saw in trailers and commercials, necks snap and heads fly everywhere, it’s a battle to remember, but then when the bad guy dies, we see that it was all just an illusion to make the bad guy change his ways and go ‘bye bye’, and that’s what happens. No one days, everyone lives happy ever after, and the wolf kid wants to bang the little baby vampire. Nice, isn’t it?
2. Partir to Live (Domingo García Huidobro)
Remember when I had many chilean movies on my top 20 last week? Well, here you have it, chilean movies in my worst films list. So, this movie was seen at the Valdivia Film Festival, it was participating in the main slate in the competition for best chilean film of the festival, and if you’ve attended one and you’ve seen films in the run for a prize, you’ll know that they give you s0mething to vote for the movie and how much you liked it in the end, in this case it was a piece of paper with the numbers 1 to 7 (at school that’s how we grade stuff), and you had to take out one of the numbers, and that number that was missing was your vote. I sat there and I started watching at a packed screening at one of the biggest venues of the festival… halfway through the movie I took out my ballot, I took out the “1” from it and then put it in my pocket again, I waited for the movie to be finished and I just threw the vote in with all my strength and rabid agony. How can you get a movie so wrong? The director was there, and he was smirking and smiling along as if he owned the place, as if the price was already in his pocket, thank GOD he didn’t win anything, that was easily one of the worst movies I had ever seen in my entire life, and the worst film of the festival for sure. It’s just a mixture of images that we’ve seen in other movies and done so much better, no word is spoken in the film besides a ‘Hello?’ and it tries so hard to be deep and meaningful, it just made me sick, I jumped from my seat whenever the screeching noise came up and we saw another video of UFOs flying the sky… and the meaning and connection to the real life… non-existant, this was a movie that was almost literally stuck up the director’s ass, and I hope that he stops being proud of making this piece of crap that I don’t want to see a frame of ever again.
1. Pinochet (Ignacio Zégers)
It is hard to say that the worst movie of the year is one of your own country that is trying to surge, but it’s the truth, and while the number 2 was one of the worst movies I had seen in my life, it doesn’t come out as morally offensive as this ‘documentary’ is. Oh, yes, a documentary called Pinochet, nothing good can come out of it, as many of you know, it’s the surname of the dictator that made Chile a bloody dictatorship for over 15 years. Killings, torture, theft, information, secret police, everything was there and you can have a nice picnic hearing the chill-inducing stories from the people who were affected by the acts that directly violated human rights and that were done without any control nor supression under the regime of Augusto Pinochet. Hell, I could not be here telling you this if my mother and father were less lucky, they both were inches away from being killed by the military and officials from this regime during the years they did not meet. Luckily I was a kid in democracy, I was born in 1990 when the transition was starting and Aylwyn was taking the charge of president of the republic. Now, after all the investigations, all the public hatred, here comes a group of people, still loyal to the works and words of the sanguinary dictator Pinochet, and make a movie trying to defend him, his work and ouvre. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that just revolting? The fact that it doesn’t even touch the issue of human rights, tries to defend the coup d’etat by the usual claims of civil war and that cubans were going to take over the country… bullshit I say, same is the silence towards the USA collaboration with Pinochet into making Chile a libertarian economy that would then propagate all over South America and that’s still the principal surge for social disgust and troubles till this day. Just a disgusting film that I had to watch by myself just to see that it was real, and that it existed, and that there’s still people out there filled with hate and pain.
Another sinful movies in alphabetical order: Alex Cross, La casa (The House), The Duck’s Migration, Four Assassins, Gao hai ba zhi lian li (Romancing in Thin Air), Ghost on Air, Juan in a Million, Lay the Favorite, Paranormal Activity 4, Perfect Two, Requiem for the Damned, El tramo (The trail), Treasure Island, Wrath of the Titans.
So, what are your picks? And remember, suggestions for my next articles!